Aus der Kategorie Kneipensprüche (66/149)

Aus der Kategorie Microsoft-Witze

Microsoft- Witz

Bill Gates stirbt und kommt in den Himmel.
(Nein, das ist noch nicht die Pointe ...)
Er wird vor den Thron Gottes geführt.
Gott blickt auf Bill Gates herab und fragt wohlwollend:
"Nun, mein Sohn, was führt Dich zu mir?"
Darauf Bill Gates: "Erstens bin ich nicht Dein Sohn,
und zweitens sitzt Du auf meinem Platz!"

Aus der Kategorie Himmel und Hölle

Der Himmel ist total überfüllt. Petrus und der Chef
einigen sich darauf, künftig nur noch Fälle aufzunehmen,
die eines besonders spektakulären Todes gestorben sind!
Es klopft an der Himmelstür, Petrus sagt :
" NUR NOCH AUßERGEWÖHNLICHE FÄLLE !"
Der Verstorbene :
" Höre meine Geschichte - ich dachte schon immer, meine
Frau betrügt mich. Also komme ich überraschend 3 Stunden
früher von der Arbeit - renne wie wild die sieben Stockwerke
zu meiner Wohnung rauf, reiße die Tür auf, suche wie ein
Wahnsinniger die ganze Wohnung ab - und - auf dem Balkon
finde ich einen Kerl und der hängt am Geländer. Also, ich einen
Hammer geholt , dem Sack auf die Finger gehauen, der fällt
runter und .... landet direkt auf einem Strauch und steht
wieder auf .... die Sau. Ich zurück in die Küche, greife mir den
kompletten Kühlschrank und schmeiße das Ding vom Balkon :
TREFFER! Nachdem die Sau nun platt ist, bekomm' ich von dem
ganzen Stress einen Herzinfarkt."
"O.K." , sagt Petrus, " ist genehmigt, komm rein."
Kurz darauf klopft es wieder ....
" Nur außergewöhnliche Fälle", sagt Petrus !
"Kein Problem", sagt der Verstorbene:
"Ich mach, wie jeden Morgen, meinen Frühsport auf dem Balkon,
stolpere über den beschissenen Hocker, fall über das Geländer
und kann mich in wirklich letzter Sekunde ein Stockwerk tiefer am
Geländer festhalten. Meine Güte', dachte ich.... Geil' was für ein
Glück, ich lebe noch.'
Da kommt plötzlich ein völlig durchgeknallter Idiot und haut mir
mit dem Hammer auf die Finger, ich stürze ab, lande aber auf
einem Strauch und denke, DAS GIBT ES NICHT.... zu zweiten
Mal überlebt!' Ich schau nach oben und da trifft mich dieser blöde
Kühlschrank!"
" O.K.", sagt Petrus, "rein in meinen Himmel."
Und schon wieder klopft es an der Himmelstür -
"Nur außergewöhnliche Fälle", sagte Petrus!
"Kein Thema", sagte der Verstorbene,
"Ich sitze nach einer scharfen Nummer völlig nackt im Kühlschrank...."

Aus der Kategorie Englische Witze

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson,
who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and
Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to,
but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very
good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted
the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? 
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence
of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless
red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me,
while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the
street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep
the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run
out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it,
Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only 
way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop
Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb
a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow
up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.

Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop
peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that
Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction -
even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing
Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term
aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead?
But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most
of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?

Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson
and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped
them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a
good enough reason for the 
President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days -
to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist 
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the
entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
contrast to what he's intending, 
my policy will destroy only one street.