Aus der Kategorie Schockierende Videos (24/54)

Aus der Kategorie Englische Witze

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson,
who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and
Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to,
but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very
good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted
the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? 
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence
of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless
red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me,
while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the
street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep
the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run
out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it,
Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only 
way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop
Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb
a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow
up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.

Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop
peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that
Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction -
even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing
Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term
aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead?
But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most
of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?

Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson
and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped
them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a
good enough reason for the 
President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days -
to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist 
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the
entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
contrast to what he's intending, 
my policy will destroy only one street.

Aus der Kategorie Liebessprüche

Schätze den Menschen, der dir zeigt, was du ihm bedeutest. Und lasse den gehen, der nicht zu schätzen weiß, was du für ihn tun würdest!

Aus der Kategorie Lustige Texte und witzige Geschichten

Duschen wie ein Kerl!

1. Setze dich aufs Bett, ziehe deine Kleider aus und werfe sie auf
einen Haufen.

2. Gehe splitterfasernackt ins Badezimmer. Wenn du unterwegs
deiner Frau/Freundin begegnest, vergiss nicht, dein Becken auf
einladende Art zu bewegen, um ihr zu zeigen, dass du stolz auf
dein Teil bist.

3. Betrachte deine umwerfende männliche Silhouette im
Badezimmerspiegel und ziehe deinen Bauch ein, um zu sehen, ob du
Bauchmuskeln hast (natürlich sind da keine). Bewundere die Größe
deines Penis, kratze deine Genitalien und rieche ein letztes Mal
am herben, männlichen Duft, indem du an deinen Fingern schnüffelst.

4. Gehe unter die Dusche.

5. Suche dir keinen Waschlappen (du brauchst nämlich keinen).

6. Wasche dein Gesicht.

7. Wasche dich unter den Achseln.

8. Furze lautstark und freue dich über die tolle Resonanz in Ihrer
Duschkabine.

9. Wasche deine Genitalien und die Partie Drumherum.

10. Wasche deinen Hintern, nicht ohne dabei Schamhaare von deinem
Hinterteil an der Seife zu lassen.

11. Nimm irgendein Shampoo und wasche die Haare.

12. Öffne den Duschvorhang und betrachte dich mit dem Schaum im
Haar im Spiegel. Ziehe anschließend den Duschvorhang wieder zu.

13. Vergiss nicht, zu pinkeln.

14. Spüle dich ab.

15. Steige aus der Dusche. Übersieh Wasser, das sich auf dem
Badezimmerboden
ausgebreitet hat, weil du den Duschvorhang nicht ganz zugezogen
hast.

16. Trockne dich flüchtig ab. Natürlich lässt Du den nassen
Duschvorhang auf den Boden vor, statt in der Dusche abtropfen.

17. Betrachte dich im Spiegel. Spanne deine Muskeln an, ziehe
deinen Bauch ein und bewundere die enorme Größe deines Penis
(etc.).

18. Spüle die Duschwanne nicht aus.

19. Lasse die Heizung und das Licht im Badezimmer an.

20. Gehe, bekleidet nur mit einem Handtuch um die Hüften, zum
Kleiderhaufen zurück. Wenn du unterwegs deiner Frau/Freundin
begegnest, öffne das Handtuch, zeige ihr deinen Penis mit einem
eleganten Schwung der Hüften, kombiniert mit einem "Wow, hast Du
DAS Ding gesehen?".

21. Wirf das nasse Handtuch auf das Bett. Ziehe dir innerhalb von
2 Minuten die alten Kleider wieder an