Aus der Kategorie Diverse Sprüche (287/600)

Aus der Kategorie Zitate

Karl Kraus (öst. Schriftsteller 1874-1936):
"Ein Psychiater ist ein Mann, der sich keine Sorgen zu
machen braucht, solange andere Menschen sich welche machen."

Aus der Kategorie Englische Witze

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson,
who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and
Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to,
but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very
good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted
the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? 
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence
of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless
red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me,
while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the
street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep
the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run
out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it,
Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only 
way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop
Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb
a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow
up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.

Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop
peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that
Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction -
even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing
Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term
aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead?
But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most
of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?

Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson
and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped
them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a
good enough reason for the 
President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days -
to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist 
masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the
entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
contrast to what he's intending, 
my policy will destroy only one street.

Aus der Kategorie Politisch

Eines Tages entscheidet Gott, völlig unzufrieden mit der Menschheit und
deren Sünden, dass er allem ein Ende setzen wolle.
Er vereint alle Staatschefs der Welt, um ihnen seinen Entscheid, dass er die
Menschheit in 24 Stunden vernichten werde, persönlich mitzuteilen.
Also sprach Gott:
"Ich habe euch alle hier versammelt, um euch mitzuteilen, dass ich die
Menschheit in 24 Stunden vernichten werde!"
Und die Staatschefs antworteten: "Aber Herr..."
Und Gott:" Nichts ABER..., es reicht, die Menschheit hat kein Recht, weiter
zu existieren. Kehrt also in eure Länder zurück und teilt euren Völkern mit,
dass sie sich vorbereiten sollen. Ihr habt 24 Stunden!"
Der erste, der sein Volk informierte war George W. Bush.
In einer Rede an die Nation ließ er verlauten: "Mein geliebtes Volk, ich
habe eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht für euch.
Die gute ist, dass Gott existiert. Er hat mit mir gesprochen, aber dies
wussten wir ja eigentlich schon.
Die schlechte ist, dass diese große Nation, unser großer Traum, in 24
Stunden nicht mehr existieren wird. Es ist der Wille Gottes!"

Fidel Castro vereinte alle Kubaner und sprach:
"Compañeros, kubanisches Volk, ich habe zwei schlechte Nachrichten für euch.
Die erste ist, dass Gott existiert, er hat mit mir gesprochen. Ja, ich habe
ihn gesehen und war ganz in seiner Nähe!! Die ganze Zeit war ich auf dem
falschen Weg!!
Die zweite schlechte Nachricht ist, dass diese wunderbare Revolution, für
die wir uns so sehr eingesetzt haben, in 24 Stunden vorbei sein wird. Es ist
der Wille Gottes!!

Und zu guter Letzt wandte sich auch noch Wolfgang Schüssel an sein Volk:
"Heute ist ein ganz spezieller Tag für alle, denn ich habe zwei gute
Nachrichten.
Die erste ist, dass ich ein Gesandter Gottes bin, denn ich habe persönlich
mit ihm gesprochen.
Die zweite gute Nachricht ist, dass es, wie ich es während dem Wahlkampf
verkündet habe, in 24 Stunden, ja, ihr hört richtig, in 24 Stunden, keine
Arbeitslosigkeit, keinen Drogenhandel, keine Verbrechen, keine
Asylbewerber, keine Transportprobleme, keine Steuererhöhungen, kein Elend
und keine Armut mehr in diesem Land geben wird.
Die ÖVP hält was sie verspricht.